mood~

hmmmm

bipolar mood

going in to the training camp later

i feel happy for can making new friends , meeting 988 DJs , and can learn something really useful to my studies or even future career

yet i feel sad too

for cant enjoy my time with family and friends , cant rest whenever i want , and i cant give my sweetheart accompany and i know she miss me

3 days

i know it wouldn't be easy

i know something big is waiting for me

and i can just wait here for dying

its okay

i know things big it also wouldn't can be bigger than my Monday's date

a date with the MINISTRY?

yea

i will be performing in front of the ministry

the first show

dancing in front of him

@@

its kinda stressful

and this is LIFE.

haiz.

ciao~

miss

time flies

brings away those tears

fade out those memories

i am leave with sadness

i do care bout something

something that actually i can't be too care

i will lose

i will miss

i love

thats why i care

step by step

i'd lost my own direction

where are the destiny?

just a joke .

morning~

6:40 in the morning
facing all the shit notes but cant be read in to my mind


for more than 1 week i said i wanna study it
for more than 1 week i'd been playing around without touching it

and this is the reason which is why am still facing my computer in this freaking early time
i wish to fall asleep
but i don't wish to retake this stupid subject
no choice and i have to study no matter how unwilling am i


this is call LIFE




we are always left with no choice
we are always wish to get another thing but first we have to sacrifice it
we are always been constrained to do things unwillingly
and
we are always have no chance to say NO



who the hell in this world is fu*king free and unfettered?
who the hell in this world is fu*king free from all anxieties?







let it be
everything will be fine
take a break and ready to move on
all we needed is just a fresh big breathe




okay should go back to study now.
morning peeps =)

exams.

study week past so quietly
without any sense of mine
and for sure i didn't touch any of my study notes

exam week
1 down and 5 more to go

yet my heart is still not in the exam mood


i am waiting for my one week holiday
i am waiting for my new short semester
i am waiting for the new year
i am waiting for my 21st birthday
i am waiting for the end of the short semester
and
i am anticipating for the Chinese New Year


things i am looking after are all happiness
seems like i am not happy enough recently?


i hate examinations
i hate getting stress

i hate my loved one gets hurt
i hate i could do nothing




i hate watching the tears from dropping but mine have to be hold
i hate seeing the bloods from bleeding but i have to stand very still




if you know how does heartache feels like
you wouldn't do so

don't even say love
because you ain't the one.

the Mask

Do not take things for granted
this is what i learnt from my ex-college


i was just a 18 year old secondary school graduated girl
but i knew how meaningful this sentence is
i got the message inside

but seems like no much people knowing the true meaning?
they do things for granted,take things for granted

everybody is wrong,the only correct one,is you





other's pain you feel nothing
because you made it
other's feel you feel rubbish
because you did it



how pretty how beautiful
no one will doubt on you


you wear thousand of masks on your face and act so naturally
should clap for you,for your brilliant action





no one is worthless if you do know how to APPRECIATE


the same thing
you do not know how to appreciate
that's why everyone is worthless to you
and you are nothing to everyone too.

night.

就让我的眼泪一直掉
反正在遥远的你 看不到

是誰說 不會讓我掉眼淚

謊言

you should know why.

fuck off

you said.

it is okay.

never mind for your heart breaking action.

emo...?

sometimes

i couldn't face the hard feeling of myself

i smile so hard but actually i was emo-ing

these led to a dim view of my recent life

i just have to admit that i am not happy at all

i know there is something between but i choose to keep myself in silence

things all happened

and then ended up with a freak fake smile

seriously look down on myself.

...

finals around

stress begin to arise

i know i couldn't control my bad temper again

never mind, there are always corners with changes awaiting me.

hope so.=)

boom

I'd tried so hard to hold

i told myself you're busying with something else so cant pick up my phone call

i told myself nothing to be mad

almost success to not blaming but concerning

but ends up BOOM

if, you are not going to follow me out

if, we are not waiting to hang out

if, i can only find you when there is something

what's up doesn't brings any meaning

but your what's up really makes me feel a bit hurt

no worries. just a little bit.

temper.haha. =')

...=')

心痛到呼吸难过

就是这种痛。






=')





i tell myself
i am pretty fine.

as i am already used to the freak heartache.

cold

sometimes life could just easily hit you down

i keep my smiles , i don't like to show my tears

it just shows how fragile my heart is

and yes

my heart is freaking fucking fragile

so don't try to break it

or else it would cut you

breathless

this night let me feel so darn cold

i miss the hugs

like how she misses you

ache

i am not the good child you asking for

so
u asked me to leave,without any emotion on your face


you never try to understand my life
you even want me to be how the lazy people do
staying at home do NOTHING?

don't even screw me up saying me do not play my role properly
i am a student of course i know
i do study well
at least not wasting your money to retake or resit or whatever shits




i tried so hard to balance all those shity stuff but ends up failed




i tried so hard from preventing my tears to drop off and yet i'd FAILED too


im hurt as well
but who cares?







no one bother me.
you said this to me

diam!

I THREW THE KEY IN

NOT IN PURPOSE

FRIGHTEN MY DAD

AND THE BOOM DETONATED

now only i realized how valueless am i in this so called HOME

i been labeled as a bad child

my family could read my thoughts

what ever i did its just a shit to them

whatever shits i say its all fucking shits to them too

keep quiet

dun ever ask me to speak

pissed off

midnight.



the people had really pissed me off
not about what had happen but about the attitude of her
i heard something
which means the FACT from others' mouth is really turning into a fact

you're so successful aren't you?
you've made what you wanted
you've had what you wished
you've even successfully turned the situation into deadlock




you shirk your responsibilities
you evade all the fact
you escape from truth and sink yourself inside the fool paradise of yours


would all these made you feel happy?
or seeing me appeared so embarrassing can recover your ache?





i couldn't find a word to express this kind of NAIVE
you said you understand
yet,sorry
i really DO NOT feel any
you've spoiled my mood
how great you are



what you've did really making all the things no turning back
please do understand how childish you are
and please do understand you much hurt you could bring to others





selfishness and ill-mannered wouldn't make your life better but worse
feel sick of you.













***
life is tiring

your shoulder is warming ♥

August

1st of August

which means i have to go back to college and start to suffer again by tomorrow
which also means is the time stress and pressure begin to hoard
which means i have to busy for another 3 months again too

nothing is gonna be alright
i know
because everything is changing to even worse



accept the fact
no matter how i wished my dream would really comes true











the unsecured feeling surrounding between
i realize how problem i was
i realize how much guessing inside




i realize no matter how unwilling i am
if things really need to let go
I leave no choice





i am not upset
just being so tired and wish to shelter myself in your hugging














put all my effort in dancing .

leave me alone

its a night my tears are accompanying me
heartache.
truly pain like hell

only know i cant lose you guys
only know the days we had is so damn important to me



but things couldn't return anymore.

there are something else which make me feel this sad
but i don't wish to share

leave me alone
don't feel like blogging now.

change

my blog with a new skin



the colour just perfectly express my feeling in lately
it ain't BLACK
it is gray
the colour of the mixture of black and white

the mixture of happiness and sadness
the mixture of laugh and weep
the mixture of love and hate



=')
tears with smile
looks good.

.

it ends up without a full stop

i hate nights that make me think too much of nonsense

i just cant hold my tears like how i lose control on missing you so crazy





you knew that ain't what i wanted to say
you pretty sure that ain't my thoughts

yet you threw out the joke which brings the meaning of mine in the other way round












it wasn't fun
its pretty hurt

i tried to laugh yet the tears were rolling down so unexpectedly
and i was unable to stop my tears from dropping


this much i care about you.

random post part 2

posted the latest blog only i realized before that i should had updated all about my I-city romantic roam first!!
ROFL...

so
let the photos do the talk
lazy to type...zzz


being lame in the car is a MUST cause it was really f**king bored sitting in the car!
LOL


reached I-city after having our dinner in Klang
we had SEAFOOD for our dinner ^^
but ain't delicious at all =x

its bad I'd complain so much here
cause A very kind Klang boss treats us this meal
should be saying THANK YOU instead of complaining the food not nice huh??
><"


with my girl -- Bak Mei

my girl and the BOY -- lewis

myself and the boy


i'd found a heart in I-city
the only thing that impressed me at there


the sweet sweet couple
my girl's sis and the BF



simply just so love this pic for no reason ♥



the girl is back from UK!!
went to her house heart-talking
they are always a good listener
or i should say
i am always the one whom likes to talk so much nonsense and they PRETEND they are listening?
LOL
whatever
we girls like to talk =p








ends.

random..

sad case
i stayed at home the whole 2 days after I-city with my babe
no one calls no one asks for any date

except for the seduce from MIA asking me to visit her in Penang
i really wish to go but no accompanies no time either

so i said
SAD CASE
my holiday seems like so vapidity


received the strawberries from Ms fish which is native to Cameron Highland
they are sweet and nice!
but my father says its all with farm chemical and asks us not to take too much

they look sweet too ♥


thanks a lot Ms fish
she brings these back to me cause i never been there before
LOL
ya its true i never been there since i was young
no big deal peeps


one Korean girl will be staying at my house about 4 days
she is my eldest brother's Korean friend
and this time she come to visit Malaysia alone
so my family have to receive her~
which means
HAHAHAHAHA
my mom will be busying for taking the girl here and there
and I'll be following
XD

but this will definitely makes me gain my weight cause i can't introduce the Malaysian yumilicious food to the girl but I'm not taking one hor?

sigh...


i miss my angel
she went back to her forest ,i mean Sabah
this girl never knows how to behave herself huh?
used to do something WE don't allow her to do without us

big baby i miss you much here ♥









now only i realize
there are so many things have to be done in this holiday

i just
never know hows the perfect way to arrange my time
T^T



baby
you know i miss you too

HOLIDAY ♥

oh yes!!!
i am officially a FREE GIRL now!!!
no finals no assignments no tests


2 weeks without stress and pressure
2 weeks without your face





=)
gonna enjoy much before another nightmare comes to me



my 小爱人 brings me out for seafood today ♥
and the date with those crazy girls on this coming Friday
and going somewhere naughty on Saturday?

XD

i just don't wanna be at home






escaping from being free
to fade out the strong feeling.

FB vs Blog

i have blog about so much these days
and somehow i hated Facebook so much until i choose to escape from there to here

FB used to expose much about everything of a person
it just let me lose my feeling of secure and makes me much worrier than how i used to be

knowing everything ain't a nice way to joy myself




Facebook has successfully replaced blogging
no one blogs now and no one cares bout blogs too
not even a person is willing to give a damn on a blogger like me
oh ya of course i know who the hell am i


nobody.
i am hell nothing to everyone
EVERYONE.








it is not suppose to go like this way round
yet I've just let the darkness to lead my way,i close my eyes


that is the reason which is why i gave no answers and remained silent




hardly control the ache attacking so intensively

F.I.F.A

my night

at last i decided to support Spain
for the reason to be the opposite party of YOUR supporting team
and i tried to trust on what the SOTONG had predicted

i know it's funny
i DON'T KNOW football
my eldest brother came to comment in my post by laughing at me know nothing but supporting Spain for no reason
he said i was a fake fan
i LMAO at that stupid moment
XD


i screamed i shouted out so loud at the mamak stall
i was so excited while the hero Puyol goal-ed and turns Paul's prophecy comes true
and actually
i did enjoy my time spending with those f**king bitch
they just so damn bitchy till i can't lose them in my life
get it my lao-poS?
LOL

i simply just love my full freedom lifestyle
=)



it's a Thursday midnight
oh no is now 6 in the morning
am anticipating something =)




speak up on everything,straight-out telling everything,it seems to be
in fact
everything becomes so sensitive and can not be touched on
i care for no reason
you mad for no reason
we quiet for no reason

i hate rules.

rainy day

it was having a heavy rain
the wind blew so strong like going to break someone's heart


people say they need rain to clean their mind
people say they feel cold when the rain falls so darn pitiless
people got their heart break due to the heartless rain like how the heart-breakers do
people lose their mind when the rain dim them,faintly


i was so warm at that moment
i got someone sweet gave me an accompany and shoo away my loneliness
even though i was having Ice cream during the rainy day
still the warmness hugged me so tightly until the sadness couldn't attack me




i do scare about raining
i do HATE
that is why I'm easily down and hardly stand up again
because i hate



i missed you at that time
but can only miss and do nothing











heard something really guilt the worm of conscience
i didn't know how much i had hurted you
i didn't realize how deep you had got into
i even not believe in myself of the ability to bleed you this much


as i say
who the hell i am?


somehow i dislike the way you show your sadness
don't expose it to others until they feel so annoying
until you have already disturb their life and break their rules

you said you're changed
but i feel not even a lil bit
i feel sorry for my leaving
i wish you're really being mature to handle this kinda stuff

it isn't to hard
just don't do something naive
can you?



oh my...
maybe I'm a bit hardhearted to you
yet,please accept the truth
i'd left you alone
no turning back.















i am a nobody to everyone
included to you too

the much i went deeper
the much i couldn't heal myself



i hate my rational feeling
i hate that i have a clear mind

why not i just take one step forward and let thing happens no matter it will be a tragedy or comedy?
why am i need to think so much?



i don't wish to hurt anyone
anyone i care much ..=(





headache comes to me again every night
with the feeling of missing














concentrate on my study!!!!!
final is coming!!!!
oh my......
thinking nonsense here pulak.............


ciao ♥

update

came to update my blog
someone i knew for less than 3 days
he kept on asking me :" updated your blog?"


reminds me
have been a very long time i blogged


but
have nothing to blog about
my life is so darn depressive recently

final is around the corner
oh ya
the only one subject is going to be tested
really killing me make me crazy
are those stupid final project


2 more weeks to go
first time i feel time passes so slow yet fast

DYING



have my hair cut
dare not to say nice but i like it so much
its a short short half botak hair
XD

i don't care about how people give their sight on me
i care bout,how i look myself
comfy,relax,happy
enough for all







Taste with drugs
Then resistance addiction

this will be the only way i learn to grow up


the only way that can hurt me the least ..♥



每次到了夜深人静的时候 我总是睡不着
我怀疑是不是 只有我的明天没有变得更好
未来会怎样 究竟 有谁会知道
幸福是否只是一种传说
我永远都找不到..

heartache

heartache

you wouldn't know
you just think that I'm so bad temper

oh ya,your words really hurt me
think before you speak
is it still need a 20 year old girl to to teach you?


if its so at home or not I'm also that useless
OK fine,i will choose to be not appear in your sight
so that you will feel more comfort?




you always speak like people have no feeling
you like to WIN in everything


i escape,because i don't like to face you two





no matter how deep i do love you both
you can just break my heart and feel proud because you've won me





i can just escape
since you ask to leave
why not?

you ask for it
so don't blame me!










i hate people whom doesn't know how to respect

that was the only memento i left
you deleted it without asking me first

its okay i could accept if it was the first time you doing this
but hello
how many times you want me to repeat these shits?!

ASK before you do anything to my stuff!!!!






i knew its useless i put my anger on you
so i shut up
and save the memory in my heart



heartache

i felt hurt....

MAY day -.-

duh....... MAY
a very busy month...

mother's day,father's birthday PLUS many friends' birthday
WOW
why so coincidence all were born on May?? @@

HAPPY BIRTHDAY anyway ^^




my DADADA brother suddenly shout at me,his face like something serious is happening

when he comes to me,hands with a magazine
i have no idea whats the next this stupid boy gonna do

and at last,he shows me this..



ha ha~~ its me,don't doubt yourself~


oh ya~
I'd attended a Talks
should be saying ran the show instead of attended
the first show I'd been the emcee in NEC
EXTREMELY nerves!!!! the maximum level I'd never been before!
but phew~~~~ its now over .............. sweat sweat sweat ==''''



the 520 is the self-revealing day,they say

i said I LOVE YOU to my lovely dad
i wish to say I LOVE YOU to the one i love,but not really exists one

heart pic

the best picture that makes me feel so warm and much better ever



though it could also makes me feel something that insulting my thoughts
appreciate it much
thanks ♥



i don't wish to hurt anyone
that's why whenever the pains attack,I've choose to escape
no matter how destructively i am








i felt bad

extremely bad







but thank you Lewis.

Wednesday

its Wednesday

suppose to be a good day ,the BR day

yet when i look in the the small little cage,everything is spoiled

the handsome boy died.

not really a big respond i had

but its true I'm sad

always having this ending

ALWAYS.

lil heartache

perhaps I've already got used to it

i can still stand the pain

but unwilling to let the body lie under the ground

I'll be missing .. much

i don't have the guts to face all these

so no worries,i wouldn't be the problem

no stepping forwards,but no backwards as well =)

Amy says:" single really feels good.freedom love us."

maybe its really nice,freedom

but it brings hurt too,the loneliness would keep on attacking

except of standing here taking no action,

what still i can do?

i give you my heart. =)

shit mood

at the end all the things had mess me up
i just like piece of shit
crying at the corner for no reason



tell me THE END
time for me to get up.

fed up

feel bad..


i said i hated to be tied down
you ignored

i warned you do not deaf to my voice
you ignored

i told you i was so damn tired being a puppet
you ignored


chances were given yet you let them flied so easily
and now you beg me not to leave



i could be stayed if you listen to me
but you didn't and just do what you wanted
feeling of mine all you just closed turn a blind eye to it
I'd dropped how much of tears and now you say you didn't realize at that moment


stop we blaming each other
tiring of all these shits
enough


STOP.










i was worrying bout you
but who the hell am I?
so i quiet down,let the pains attack


had enough
enough is enough
FED UP!!!

bad mood

things came to me together so suddenly
and its so complicated

i wish i could escape from here
no matter just for a second or forever
the only thing i wanted is HAPPY

whatever shits
i want my smile last longer than a second
i want the tiredness keeps away from me


yet always
the NEW comes,means the OLD goes
and it would never the happy ending occurs


i can do nothing.



everything is on my shoulder
slowly I'll be under the everything





it could be the truth, it might be only a joke
depends on you,how you read it



don't ask : is it true?
your smile is everything.
=)

the way my handsome boy look at me. say CUTE please =]

random~

it was like had been thousand years I'd blog here
in fact there were lots of photos i wanted to share
but @@
OK i was kinda lazy and......
actually nothing much to be updated


used to spread out my feelings or stuff happened here
yet i was like....something missing out and i couldn't found

like kinda "mute" species ,i rarely talk now



or,i had lost something important to me...perhaps?



i do hate been tied down
like losing my hands and feet
wished to fly yet I'd no wings



myself had been changed very differently
could you,please
find IT back to me?












you are always deaf to my voice, aren't you? ='[

CNY EVE ^^

wow......
it's Chinese New Year Eve now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lol
freaking tired @@
non-stop helping my mama about 30++ hours
and I'd just sleep for less than 6 hours a day.. @@
okay i know its no big deal.... =[
tapi aku ni memang + sungguh + Chiu Kap letih.....><


( OM Buddha..... i still have to get up at 6am , and i'm still blogging here...?! )


those BAI BAI stuff prepared and ready to be consecrated





phew..~~

off to bed~~~~~~~~~~~~ ciaoz~!!! ^^

























oh ya,

Happy Chinese New Year peeps~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =]

>>> nothing

the Chinese New Year Carnival at Kajang...



















suppose to be a happy post
yet my mood got interference at the end

tiring of holding something strong
i wish i could let go but in fact i really care much

everyone is asking me okay or not

how much i wish i could answered "yes,i'm very fine."
yet i can't hide my sadness until it turns my speak into a lie

the 'nothing' post

Began a lot better
Just worry about this year New Year will let me down
I'd better not
I still enjoy New Year!



already said....
Everything is different !!!
Everything has changed !!!!!!

you knew,but then?
you don't even take this as a matter
okay fine~
forget everything then.......

yet I'm really hate
sigh ='[


huhu~~
by the way~
i DON'T need you anymore
i mean it!

simply crapping

people used to say
:" think out of the box. "

i did
and I'd thought too much,perhaps?

i like to put a fake smile on my face whenever I'm moody
simply just because,i don't like people keep questioning around
sounds annoying, isn't it?

indeed
being an actress in real life isn't much different with those cheater
but hello
who gonna cares whether you are or you aren't
no one's gonna care much about you


so what's the reason that i must show what i feel?
a mask on face is better
at least i can hide my tears if i really failed to hold it





and i've forgotten
for how many times i hold so strong to not letting the liquid drop off
for how many times i told myself not to care too much
for how many times, i felt so hurt...again and again




i tell myself i've think too excessive
and i wish it's true i've think too far from the little box
yet
i knew
another lie on myself again.










the problem is about
suddenly i feel I'm very faraway from my dear friends.

Juin Juin

says :" When you are not allowed to stay, tears could just make you much more pathetic....so, just leave. "

awaiting..........

The past has passed
the best time has been recorded
and do not need to record the unhappy
perhaps in ordinary days
Can find unordinary happiness!


I look up to the sky and giggling
I very hope my future could be as special as the shining stars in the sky...




****

某天~

黃淙暐的老師

~在課堂上出習題~

作文名稱：我的家庭

我出生在一個非常貧苦的家庭，記得小時候，爸爸的生活很無聊，整天只能數錢，媽媽也是，整天都在掃錢。
我家住在深山中，每次要出去買東西，都相當麻煩，開保時捷要5小時，開賓士也要4小時；雖然家裡有直昇機，但是開到那邊很難找到停機位，相當的不方便。我 偶爾也會出去逛街，爸媽怕我被綁架，隨身有20多個保鑣保護著，大家看到我都嚇跑了，所以我從小就開始被排斥......
因為家裡是在深山，每次到了冬天都非常冷，爸爸也說，出去買東西很麻煩，所以冬天沒有暖爐...沒有棉被...每天只能陪著爸媽燒錢取暖...而睡覺的時候，也只能蓋著錢睡覺(我覺得英鎊比較溫暖)。
　記得小時候，有一次，因為房間太大，還來不及跑出房間，就尿褲子了。所以，爸爸在我房間放了一台小綿羊機車，好讓我能在10分鐘以內，衝出1000坪的房間，穿越5公里的走廊，到達800坪的廁所(我常常在走廊迷路)。
　爸爸又另外叫人加蓋了20間600坪裡面有著250坪小廁所的破房間。爸爸說：以後如果尿濕了，直接換房間，如果房間不夠或是太小的話，再告訴爸爸，爸爸再叫人來多蓋幾間，我們的生活很辛苦，你要忍著點！！現在想起來，爸爸真是個善良的人！！
　還記得有一次，家裡遭小偷，因為他用炸藥炸壞了我爸的保險箱，使得裡面的金幣不斷的往外滾出來，結果竟把那個小偷壓死了......我覺得那個小偷好可憐......金幣壓死人是很痛的!!
他不像之前那個被鈔票悶死的小偷一樣幸運。媽媽也常常告訴我，我們家生活非常困苦～要我學著吃苦～
　所以我從小養成了刻苦耐勞精神，我將來的志願，是要找200隻會吃錢的怪物，好把家裡的錢都吃光，為那些可憐的小偷報仇！！

嘉義市蘭潭國小六年一班黃淙暐


老師評語：去死啦！

****


I'm now freaking happy
and is anticipating the big days!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wish the time could past faster yet could stop at the moment....
=]


Happy New Year!!!

new year eve

2009 quietly left
But 2010 came in such lively
although is late but still need to wish you here
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!
^^

the last day of 2009 ( which is also Sum Sum's birthday...)
the bitch planned to go PD about a month ago
and finally we were there in 31st Dec 2009!!
Perhaps this place will make you a bit..... like YUCK!!!
yet this place had given me an unforgettable memory...



heading to the beach

i was driving

the bitch was coquetting while i was putting on the sunblock cream ==

small crab crab






banana boat-ING





Somewhat cruel
But in fact she enjoyed...the only victim -- Rubbish Low


p/s: She is a perfect joker
Often make jokes
this PD trip, of course, is not exceptional also
She lets my year 2010 no regrets........

** caught caught.....
i saw a small little mini ship in the sea...white in color...XD


when the time came nearly to 12am,we rushed down to the seaside
wow,never expect to see this much of people
they were also waiting for the countdown season

its really awesome
i saw the nearly 15 minutes of fireworks
i screamed and felt so touched that moment
the sky was really pretty....



P


and finally the new year is over
I am now looking forward to my lunar New Year
which means......................................

SHOPPING!!!!!!